Tuesday, October 7, 2014

Vacation Blues?

Tuesday, October 07, 2014 -2:39:46 PM
Today we returned from our very strenuous and tiring vacation, feeling utterly exhausted and also feeling guilty. Ever since I have become a mom, I have realised that I have the ability to torment myself ,much more than before ,by adding guilt to the cauldron. It is not at all my son’s  fault. It is just me, plain and simple. My son basically refused to eat/drink milk, threw up and had fever. I blame myself totally for all the above. He is 15 months old and though I am aware that that is a good enough age to travel, maybe he is not ready for it yet. Since the Coorg visit was so refreshing, I , ipso facto, assumed that the Kerala trip would be the same. Honestly, it was very very exhausting and I just wish I stayed back in dear Bangalore and lounged in PJs in front of my idiot box and watched reruns on Fox crime/ House/ Good wife .
Maybe it is that time of the month or maybe it is exhaustion, but I find it so hard to remember all the wonderful things that I should be grateful for – good health of family, friends and self, finally moving into new home (no rent= huge EMI), loving family and friends, great colleagues , good weather in Bangalore, my faith and the willingness to improve myself (irrespective of my ‘downtime’ spells).
God has been really generous but yet I continue to complain. I hope He/She doesn’t lose patience with such an ungrateful child. Honestly, I need a day off, where in I can just lie down on the grass and just watch the clouds float by across the sky. So so so love the sleepy contentment which floods thru me whenever I do that. Just thinking about it is actually making me feel better.
What I need right now is good wholesome rest and silence. That shall nourish me rather than a sugar treat or icecream which will just give me an immediate high followed by a crash later. I will feel better after a nap.
There are so many things that I wish to do every day and too less time. Maybe I need to be more realistic. There is only so much that anyone can do.Yes, I need to prioritise, family, fitness and faith.
I should ensure that my diet is clean and that my fitness  routine is adhered to, but one should be happy as long as one is doing his/ her best.I should also make the time to study seriously for PMP. And to read autobiography of a yogi and to write. Phew. Isn’t it packed already? J
Silence is my only source of energy (by conserving lot more by avoiding pointless talk) and gives me the energy to focus and prioritise.Feeling much better already.  Things will seem  a lot better after a blog followed by a nap. I just wish that I remember to be aware of how trivial  things have the ability to mess up my brain – anxieties about baby’s milestones, my weight, healing my diastasis recti. About D’s health. About my job. About my friends- their health- their issues. If there is anything that I would really like to change – it is my natural tendency to worry. I tend to worry. Period. And worry about worry. It is a vicious cycle really and it is a sure shot - proven method to make a mountain out of  a mole hill. I am sure my prayers will work and that my Guru will bless me with Shraddha – the strong –unshakeable belief that God/ Guru knows best and She/He shall take care of me along with  a strong belief that I shall be given only those challenges that I can handle. Hasn’t that been proven again and again in my life?
Things have miraculously fallen into place, especially after bouts of troublesome phases of self doubt and external challenges. Today, I shall pray for strength – physical- mental and spiritual.

Rishi and I watching Kalaripayattu

Rishi was trying to be a sport during the car rides

Ammamma's pet


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